Each of us feel love differently; and according to Gary Chapman, there are five main ways that people feel love. Children are no exception. They each have a need to be loved in their love language. Once we are able to understand what our child’s main love language is, then we are better able to channel our efforts using that particular love language. So, with no further adieu, let’s dive into the five different love languages.
1. Physical Touch
At age four, my son was constantly asking for me to wrestle with him. He would assign us each a corner, colored uniform, and get his sister to announce our matches. I was a better sport back then about getting down on the ground and really rough-housing with him. His eyes would light up and I could see in his face that his whole world was perfect in that moment. Why? Because physical touch was part of his love language.
Fast forward four years, and now I am fairly certain that I am living with a monkey child; his five year old younger sister. She is constantly climbing all over us , jumping onto our backs, getting into the other kids “space” and frequently begs to be held. I must admit that it sometimes tests my patience, until I remember what this is all about for her. This yearning for physical touch is indicative of the physical touch love language.
2. Words of Affirmation
I had a child in my office who was struggling to feel connected to their parent. The parent was exhausted by all the ways that they had tried to reach out to their child and nothing seemed to be enough. In reviewing the Five Love Languages with this family, it became evident that while the child was being bought gifts and the actions of the parent were loving, the child yearned to hear their parent say:”I love you”, or “I am proud of you”. The child had spent so much of their efforts trying to have their needs met in a love language that was almost completely foreign to the parent. With a little bit of coaching and tweeking of their ways of communicating, within weeks, this parent-child relationship was dramatically improved.
3. Quality Time Together
This one is pretty obvious. Many children really thrive off quality time with their caregiver. Do you have a child who is constantly asking for your time and attention?? Chances are, this is their love language. And even if this is not your child’s main love language, this is a good default love language if you’re not quite sure what to do. Quality time together is most effective when it is centered around what your CHILD enjoys, rather than an adult agenda. For my son, this is playing Minecraft together or Nerf gun wars in the backyard. For my daughters, it often includes baking up a favorite treat or painting nails.
4. Gifts
This one can get pretty touchy with parents. “Gifts” can sometimes be interpreted to mean “spoiled” or “entitled” or “greedy”. Quite the opposite is true, actually. A child whose true love language is centered around gifts could care less about the cost, but far more about the thought and meaning of the gift.
In our home, we have a beloved tale of the “Silver Sparkly Shoes”… a gift that was chosen by my husband to give to my daughter with her Christmas dress one year. He went up and down the aisles, chose a pair and simply said: “I think she’ll like these the best, they sparkle.” In short, it became beyond obvious at age two that my daughter’s love language was going to include the love language of GIFTS, and for about a year following her receiving the said “silver sparkly shoes”, each time she would put on these shoes she would sigh, give her dad a big hug, and in a far off dreamy voice say: “Oh daddy, thank you so much for my silver sparkly shoes. That was so nice of you to get these for me. I love them so much! Then with complete sincerity, she would smile and say: ‘I love you daddy!'”
Why?? Because to her, those silver sparkly shoes felt like love. Those silver sparkly shoes represented a dad who knew his daughter, and wanted her to be happy. This same daughter is constantly making gifts for others. I have countless homemade necklaces, cards, gift bags, and notes that she uses to speak her love language of gifts.
5. Acts of Service
When so much of parenting is one big act of service, it can be difficult to determine if this is your child’ s actual love language. From a young age, I knew this was my love language before I had ever heard the term. In my family, we had assigned chores each week which included rotating dishes duty. I did not love doing the dishes. I loved sweeping and mopping and clearing the table; just don’t make me put my hands in that dirty water! I can still remember with fondness the nights that my mom would walk up next to me at the sink and with a smile say: “I’ll wash, you dry.”
I still get misty-eyed just thinking about it. Those four words felt like love to me. This was kindness and compassion and selfless service towards me, her daughter. I didn’t understand it then, but I absolutely see it now, she was offering me love in my love language: acts of service.
Learning to speak your child’s love language will first require you to identify what your child’s love language is. In order to do this, you can review the list above and then think about when your child feels most content or happy. When do you see them smile the most, or in what moments do they express their love to you? Then, take this new found information, and go speak to your child in their love language.
